I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
