She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
