lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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