I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
