i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize