What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
