You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
