As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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