I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
