but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
