I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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