What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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