Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
