I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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