What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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