I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize