Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
