I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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