Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
