just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
