hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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