Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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