I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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