I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
