Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
