some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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