am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
