do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
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I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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