then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
This girl is more easily done than said...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
