there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
