dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
