I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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