If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
