So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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