JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
