I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
