why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
