I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
third nipple confirmed
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
