I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
