I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
