at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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