oh god the rape fog is back!
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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