So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
