Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
