happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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