there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
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Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
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Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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