Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
