I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
