where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
