I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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