I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
