someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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