Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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