They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can text with my tongue
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
