fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
