she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
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Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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