Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this beer tastes like vomit already
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
